Your thoughts;

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Your thoughts;

Post  AbyssalVoid on Fri Sep 14, 2012 1:16 am

Well yeah, I seem to have found a very very incomplete story that I just wrote in a few minutes a few months ago.
So yeah, I would like some thoughts on it if i should maybe be more detailed on some parts, maybe I should take something out, maybe I should put more in, etc.
I think you all get the idea.
Both positive and negative criticism are welcome in order for me to make the story better!
I never really thought of a name for it, nor decided on the genre. Though, I suppose I should probably categorize it as Fantasy I suppose with a bit of realism in it.
Keep in mind it's only 8 paragraphs so yeah I'd say its only like 2% done. LOL!
Spelling and Grammar aren't really important in this stage of my story as it's only a rough draft.


On the site note: I was doing this while the game was downloading. xD



Click spoiler to view story:
The skies grew dark as showers of fire rained down upon the land. A desolate desert filled with hundreds of puddles of blood and decaying bodies. Hell surely had arisen over this decadent world. It somewhat turned into a planetary genocide, the apocalypse in what others saw it as. Panic could be heard all around from various parts of the world. A single man who had been recorded on video. Crimson illuminating hues, a portentous grin, and dusky armor with blood running down. Though, what caught everyone’s attention was that fire always emitted from his bold figure. Death and destruction always followed wherever he went. No one would surely survive unless their were not of the planet. Someone like him, a mythical being, who had a human look, with what the inhabitants of this world would be described as godly, but from hell as they specified. It truly turned into a dark age. Every once in a while, a celestial being which had been regarded as an angel had tried to kill the man, but their futile efforts were for naught. They had been slain, cut in half, heads cut off, quick clean kill. Any fashion that suited his ever dynamic mood.

As hours had passed by, a large spiral void had appeared in the skies above him. An eruption of fire protruding from the void shooting out several beings. Each of them landed creating a significant crater. A young woman by the name of Elena with black hair and red bangs with glistening golden hues. She had worn, black armor with golden marks. Another female had touched down on the ground by the name of Lilith, with crimson hair and hues, same hair and eyes as the male. Her hair had grown to her mid back section, and she wore black armor with red marks. Both females were well fit and had curvy sides, but also had an athletic body from so much fighting. They put most male warriors to shame with their fighting ability.

Though, the man Zuisho hadn't paid much attention to his newly arrived friends. Instead he had dug his hand in the throat of this-so-called angel grabbing the top of the spine. He kicked the angels chest and tugged on the spine and slowly ripped it out of the body. Zuisho held up the spine over his body and let the blood drip down on him and roll down his body. "My my Zuisho, you surely are thoroughly enjoying yourself." Lilith said with desire. Zuisho just smiled filled with ecstasy, the feeling of drenching himself in blood had been pure ecstasy. "Hello dear Lilith." He said blissfully while his eyes set its sights on his niece. "Elena my dear, come." Elena's golden hues had been wondering around, taking in the surroundings. "I see you've been rather busy uncle. Did you leave anything for us?" Lilith agreed with Elena. "Yeah love, is there anything for us?" Zuisho just smiled as he walked to Lilith putting his hand on her lower back pulling her close to him as he just gave her a lustful kiss. "Of course beautiful." He held his hand out to his niece as she came and took a hold of his hand. He pulled her into a warm embrace. "Enough for the both of you to have your fun."

He released Elena from his embrace as he just looked to the nearest town as he could hear screams in the distance. "Ladies, if you will." He gestured his hand towards the city. "Go and have some fun." He smiled as they had already rushed with great speed. He just walked slowly, just liking the walk obviously knowing sooner or later more angels would come. An as he suspected, after twenty minutes had flown by, the dusky clouds had swirled into a spiral void. Light spewing out of the void, a large figure had sprung out from the void. An angel descending from the heavens. 'how quaint' he thought sarcastically. Seeing the winged angel unsheathe a rather large broad claymore. Such an obvious move Zuisho had thought, but if the speed and force were perfect, that attack could be extremely dangerous.

As futile as it seemed, Zuisho seemed in the mood to play around the angel even though, he could have simply killed him. Since he knew very well rushing into battle had been the stupidest thing a person could do. He unsheathed his sword as it happened to be similar towards the Japanese katanas. Though, his had been a big longer and bigger. He held it up horizontally and put his free hand on the blade to reinforce it from the impact. Once seconds had gone by, The angels blade had collided with Zuisho's causing a large crater, and a thunderous sound. Zuisho's crimson hues had gazed into the eyes of the angel as he just shown a sinister smile. He pushed his sword up forcing the angel to fly backwards, and body flickered above the angel instantaneously. Zuisho swung his blade horizontally sending a small wave of flames to hit the angel. Upon impact, the wave of flames wrapped around the body of the angel making its armor burn its skin.

Lilith and Elena were just having some fun killing people left and right until two angels appeared. Though, they didn't have wings, just some low ranking angels that only had cloth for armor. An as the battle begun between Lilith, Elena and the angels. Another angel descended to the ground near Zuisho. Having his sights on the angel burning he just slowly thrust his sword into the neck until it died. Zuisho had already knew an angel had come. So he just pulled out his sword, and sheathed it, taking a look at the newly arrived angel. This one had been far different. Fully armored with silver armor, and golden lining. An instead of wings, he had a small turquoise cape. An as its weapon, it had a two-handed claymore on its waist sheathed. "Well, I see the stronger ones are going to start to come out." An within seconds, four more had arrived as they landed in a circle with Zuisho in the middle. His expression changed as he set his hand on the hilt of his katana. "Over powering me with numbers I see.." His crimson hues shifted from left, to right, right to left.

Lilith and Elena easily disposed of the two angels and turned their sights to Zuisho wondering what's happening. "Elena, you think we should help Zuisho?" Elena stood there silent for a few seconds. "Let's see what happens first." They both jumped to incredible heights and landed on the side of the buildings and began to run up, so that they can watch from the top of the building. Meanwhile, the first angel that arrived had begun to speak up. "You have invoked god's wrath upon yourself." Zuisho simply laughed and quickly pulled out his katana as a large arcane circle appeared on the ground. Energy appeared to me coming off of the circle spiraling around Zuisho. He had begun to absorb the energy and just held up his free hand creating signs with his fingers. The energy visible exploded outwards in a blazing flame. Right at the explosion, Elena and Lilith both reached the top and began to watch the battle play out though would always be interrupted by low ranking angels attempting to kill them both. Though, only a single swing of their swords could easily kill the angels.

Once, they disposed of the angels they resumed watching again. Zuisho leaped at the first angel to arrive as he stuck out his tongue and let his katana move along his tongue then swung it downwards as the angel unsheathed his claymore to block Zuisho's attack. Then the other four leaped at Zuisho attempting to kill him in one go. He kept his left hand on the handle of his katana to keep the pressure on the first angle, and used his right hand and extended it towards the other four and spoke. "Feel my wrath.." Crimson flames erupt from the palm of his hand engulfing the other four in mystical flames. His objective had been to superheat their armor allowing their minds to go into disarray from the pain. Though, as Zuisho looked closer, he knew they were just messing around with him. They stopped as they just stood up. "You really think something like that would kill us?" Elena, and Lilith just kept watching knowing they wouldn't be disappointed with Zuisho and his fight. "No, in fact. It is my weakest involving flames."

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Re: Your thoughts;

Post  Kirv on Sat Sep 22, 2012 4:17 pm

VERY long (IMO)

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